Alan Scaia 4/14/16: Can the Cheeseburger Play Left Field?

Imagine Josh Hamilton going through a slump and telling the bat boy, “No, not one of my regular bats. Today, I’ll use the Homerun Cheeseburger.” Filled with a new confidence, he’ll stride toward the plate and belt out, as the name of the bat suggests, an infield single.

The Rangers have remodeled Globe Life Park bit by bit over the past several years. This year, they installed a new video board in center field. They also replaced the light towers with LED bulbs. At one point, I felt like an old man as I said to the Rangers’ executive vice president, “Hey, you only have to put up half as many lights. That’s got to save you some money on the electric bill.”

At the same time, though, he explained that it absolutelywill save them money on the electric bill. Seattle was the first park to use LED lights last year, and you know how energy conscious people are in the Northwest!

But listen, it was my responsibility to try the new dishes they were offering and ensure their deliciousness.

Listen, there’s no way the FDA would allow use of a term like “MVP” if the Bloody Mary was subpar. I declined to try the alcohol, though, because I was working and, also, the vodka was holding up the giant cheeseburger, so it would have been a logistical nightmare.

The Wicked Pig includes pulled pork, Danish bacon, sausage, prosciutto, thick-sliced ham and pork rinds, so Delaware North is really making sure you get your essential porks for the day.

I was chatting with one of the Delaware North cooks. I said to him, “Seems like this would be harder to walk around with than a hot dog or sack of peanuts.”

He agreed, explaining that’s why they’ll only sell it at the Smokehouse in section 49.

“We’ve already got the Choomongous,” he explained, “and we’re rolling out a couple of other big sandwiches in the suites, so we decided it was time to build up, not out.”

That’s a good idea. Anyone at a Rangers game has seen a guy struggling to carry a small child in one arm and a Choomongous under the other. It’s good to see Delaware North taking action so Child Protective Services doesn’t have to.

A quick side note: I mentioned to Rangers Executive Vice President Rob Matwick that the food at baseball games is getting too complicated. He said he also enjoyed being able to haul a sack of peanuts around anywhere and throw your shells on the ground.

If you throw pork rinds on the ground, everyone will think you’re crazy.

How many times have you thought to yourself, “Man, I love buffalo-style chicken, and I love doughnuts. If only there were a way to put them both together”? Be honest.

Here’s the weird thing: I don’t mean to editorialize, but they went strangely well together. Like, the doughnut wasn’t too buffalo-y, and the chicken wasn’t too glazed-y, but they were both sweet and just a little bit spicy, not unlike this Edward R. Murrow Award-winning journalist. Also, at $12.00, this will be considerably cheaper than the Wicked Pig, which will set you back $27.

Here’s how I imagine the idea for this hot dog coming together: Bob and Doug McKenzie get jobs at Delaware North and think, “Good day. I’m kind of hungry. What should we make to eat?”

What they’ve done is dropped some Cheetos on top, but they’ve also topped the dog with “Flamin’ Hot Cheetos infused nacho cheese.”

I believe this is the first time in the history of fine dining that the term “infused” has been used in conjunction with Cheetos.

Actually, this dish led to another very productive discussion with a Delaware North chef. Loyal Scaiaholics will recall my experience with the Cotton Candy dog during the 2015 playoffs. The chef told me the cotton candy dog sold in huge numbers, so they’re bringing it back full-time this year.

He went on to explain that the concession company was hoping to learn more about the Cheetos dog, but “the Rangers got knocked out of the playoffs too early, so we only had two games.”

Thanks a lot, Texas Rangers. That new Josh Hamilton bat could be even more important than we realized.

Brisket and bacon don’t seem like strange things to serve together with french fries, so I wonder if one of the cooks just tripped and dropped a plate of waffle fries into plates of brisket and bacon, then thought, “Why not?!”

I was talking to one of the cooks about how Texas is a good market to introduce a brisket-based dish. When I worked in Portland, the Trailblazers (or the minor league baseball team. I forget which.) introduced cheese curds. Cheese curds! And people were buying them! Their concessions company, which may, very well, have been Delaware North, told me that they had started serving cheese curds in Wisconsin and they were a big hit, so they rolled them out elsewhere.

“Actually, I really like cheese curds,” he said, exhibiting a great deal of media-savvy patience.

For the first time in my life, I can say, “Man, that bread pudding really filled me up.” I was dining with a couple other reporters, and one said she thought the pieces they were serving looked small, but when she started eating, it filled her up quick. I’m no physicist, but I suspect the marshmallows balloon up to 20 times their original size when they hit your stomach. If you’re on a low-carb diet, I’m sure this is okay to eat.

They also had some vegan stuff. I didn’t try any of it. Looks like they’ve got some strawberries over there or something.